lizzAy

i can claim to know you,
and you, and you.
all of you, a mirage of my past put together.
intricate. you are.
my friends.

little pieces of reality,
much of stubborness.

i do not know why, i seem to meet a lot of stubborn people.
maybe its because all of you are... boys.

and i say you are boys, for that is what my eyes see,
with the full force of my twenty years of existence. the irony.
boys.

defiant, you have always been.
i carry you, your burdens, the little pieces i have gleaned.
pocket memories of yourself that you have given to me,
little pieces i collect in a scrapbook so that one day,
when you have lost enough of yourself,
you may ask for its return,
hoping to scrap enough crumbs to put yourself back together.

i can only watch.

i am somebody,
and nobody.
i am the friend you whisper to, because you know i will not flinch.
i am not the friend you will be boisterous with,
because you know
you cannot lie to me with a straight face.
or perhaps you can.
but you know i can tell, anyway.

i am here, holding the complexities of you together,
ticking off the check boxes as i watch you, and you, and you.
head into oblivion even after i've told you not to.

and i stop.

stop telling you not to, because you cross the line staring straight at me.
daring me.

watch me, your eyes say.
and i stand at the edges of your reality. watching.
waiting.
again, and again, and again.
the deja vu is numbing, as i watch you, a different you, walk away again.

you will leave for a while.
and another you takes your place.

you come into my life with different names
different idiosyncrasies and different smiles
some of you have been loud and rude
some quiet and rude
loud and proud
proud and quiet.
all of you have tried to break me,

but i was not yours to break,
i've strung the pieces of me together
such that each blow is but a sting upon my heartstrings but nothing more.

different names you've had.
but you could all have been the same person.
i hold the pieces of all of you, in a book, on a shelf in my heart.
before eventually, being moved to a shelf in my mind.

one day you'll come knocking.
and i'll dust the cover and return you whats yours.  

until then, you will live the way you chose.
and all i can do.
is watch.


---


Dedicated to B.

May you find the peace you so desperately seek.

Amen.

you are the smile that plays on my lips
curling at the corners like crinkled paper
a little flick of playful carefree innocence
a little parting of lips, a little show of teeth
a little grin, a peek into you.


i am the eyes that drink in you
and i could say that word again and again
you,
you,
you.


a little sing-song tune on my breath,
your name,
my name.
a puckered kiss, the lilt of a laugh
echoes.
i cannot pull my gaze away

when i turn you turn also
the imprint of you, me the shadow of a footstep
i walk away
you gallantly follow.

you are all i have.

i wrap arms around you, me.
you tell me not to worry
and i tell you i am afraid.

you say you love me

i say



i know.

this is a portrait of plastered smiles,
you are my little bit of sunshine, i say.

you are no one, and everyone.

you are the voice on the wind that whispers sweet nothings
and curls the hair behind my ears with a lick of your playfulness.

you are the blue sky that greets me at noon,
purposefully bright as you wake me with your childlike exuberance.

you are the gold of sun rays warming my toes
and cupping my face in the curves of your hands.

you are the empty spaces between my fingers when i stretch them,
you are the lines on my palm and my face
you are the eyelids that hide the windows to my heartbeat -
the only sound that never lies
never betrays
who i really am,
and how i really feel.


you are my little bit of sunshine.

and i will keep you;
in the prints of my fingers
on the edge of my lips
so when i touch
or exhale
or kiss,

you will always be there.

young child.
you chase dreams that many of us wouldn't dare consider.
advice is wasted on you, foolish youth.

but cautious is what we are. and we mock those who are young and foolhardy enough to chase selfish dreams. even if you die trying, i will not stop you.

i saw the look in your eyes as you asked those questions.
you were searching mine defensively.

i did not give you advice that you already heard.
for after all, you heard it and you never did listen, anyway.

m'boy, m'boy.
how i admire your spirit.
a defiance yet unbroken.
a selfishness i can no longer fathom.

you will find yourself.
or die trying.

you will search.
you will hurt.
you will learn.

but most importantly,
you will live.

perhaps there was more i could have told you.
but words were silenced on my lips as i watched yours pour with passion -
everything that you would be. could be.
should be.


may you chase your dreams to the end, young one.
i will not pity the loss of your talent, even if it is astounding.
i will not say that you chose to waste your life.

but i will say that you are special.
i salute you for breaking out of the system i do not dare depart from.
i salute you because to die trying is something we are all too afraid of.

you are unafraid.
so i shall not stop you.

i was never here to teach you to stop dreaming, anyway.